I grieve two lives in two months

Mother

21st August 2021 – I received a video call from my brother. “Quick, say what you wanna say now.” There she was, motionless. I hear and see wailing all around. What can I do but break down? Cancer took her. I foresee this because the doctor estimated weeks or days left. But it hits differently when it really happens. I packed my bags, got a police letter (permission to travel during covid19 lockdown) and left for my hometown the next morning. I didn’t cry until I see her again at the funeral parlour. It hit me again – she’s already gone. I stayed with my family for a week, managing the funeral and making sure our father was alright.

I cried to sleep every night that week. So many things in the house and so many places in the town reminded me of my mother. Even worse, I was assigned to prepare the eulogy. Tear shed at every word I typed into my phone. Looking at hindsight now, writing that eulogy was the starting point of my grieving process – besides talking about the memories of my mother, we paid tribute to this precious life. I guess gratitude comforted us in some way. We felt relieved that my mother is no longer in pain, that she’s now in a better place with God. But the loss we felt is indescribable. It’s like trying to make sense why you feel a part of you just went missing somewhere.

When mom and dad were young and free

The week after her funeral, I was back at home. I cried less but I’ll be triggered by the smallest things – earrings my mother gave; seeing an elderly woman on the street; the song Amazing Grace. I would suddenly burst into crying for a minute, then stop almost immediately and went silent for a while. The odd thing I wanted so much that time was to dream about my mother. Every night I close my eyes and wish I can see her but I didn’t. It breaks my heart. I was missing her very much.

Two weeks later I found out I was pregnant, for the first time. I was overwhelmed, I couldn’t believe it is happening. After confirming at the doctor’s clinic, I burst into crying again. I told my husband I couldn’t tell my mother the news because she isn’t here anymore. My husband comforted me saying “She already know”.

Baby

I was on a emotional roller coaster in the first few weeks of my pregnancy. I was happy for my growing little family, but sometimes I grief for my mother. Pregnancy means I am going to be a mother and it reminded me so much about my mother and my anxiety if I can be a good mother to my own child. Besides the pregnancy fatigue, out of breath, and occasional nausea, I was doing quite well. I was looking forward again, a chance to hope for the future. But it was all short-lived

Although I was being careful on my first trimester, I had an unpleasant instinct that something is not right. Doctor advised me to observe another two weeks. It was an agony to go through that two weeks. Finally on 21st October 2021 – my doctor confirmed I have miscarriage.

What can I say about it? I hold my tears until I was out from the doctor’s office. I broke down just like when my mother died. For the next few days, I felt very heavy alike carrying a huge rock even when I lie down. Tears. Thoughts flooded my mind and mostly about how things would have turn out differently if I was eating more, doing this less and doing that more…etc. Why me among the 1 in 4? My family and friends would reach out to me, comforting me in ways they know how and I would say I’m alright. But am I? I don’t know, maybe I don’t know how to receive comfort in times of grieving. I said I’m alright, but am I really alright? Sometimes I zoned out, thinking about what had happened but I did not cry. Am I done grieving?

While still dealing with grief, I went into the operation theater feeling anxious because it was my first time ever.

Amid still grieving my loss, I had to call the doctor for a D&C procedure as soon as I can because I was feeling the cramps and I was bleeding. In that moment, I had to accept that this is the end. The miscarriage process has started. I chose to undergo D&C because I couldn’t bear waiting for the day seeing lumps of my baby come out in the toilet (if I choose to have the miscarriage expel naturally). I did the D&C under general anaesthetic, and it was done by the afternoon. As I lie on the hospital bed, I couldn’t believe it was over, my baby is no longer with me. I was feeling better physically a week after resting at home. I kept all the baby’s stuff away, just like how I kept all my mother’s pictures away. How strange a brief thought in the head can ignite tears within seconds despite never seeing any of the momento. I still miss my mother and my baby every day.

Many things can happen outside of our control or even beyond our understanding. Grief is one of the hardest but also the most human experience we will go through. We shouldn’t ignore or suppress it. We must feel…and accept…and choose to heal, in our own time. It’s a journey, and a journey we must allow others to come in, to feel with us and to support us. I’m really grateful to God that I never felt alone because He sent me angels – my husband, my family, my church friends. It teaches me one of the greatest lessons of all, that is to appreciate life – mine and the people in my life, because life is too short. Don’t wait to forgive other, don’t wait to reconcile relationships, and don’t wait to say I love you.

Despite all the pain, I’m grateful to have my God who is my reason for everything that I went through. My faith in Him had helped me to accept, cope and heal from some of these moments in my life. Regardless how bad things can be, I know my God will always be with me and His plan is always for my best interest.

I saw an illustration today – it says many people think our grief shrinks over time, but it was us who grows around our grief. Though it does not dismiss grief and be forgotten, but we became stronger so that we can face the future and help those who experience this after us.


If you happen to be grieving as you read this blog post, I want you to know that you are not alone and I’m sending you love and courage ❤ ❤ ❤

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3 thoughts on “I grieve two lives in two months

  1. I’m praying for you my blogging friend Our sufferings either increase our faith or pull us away from God. I’m grateful you have strong faith groups for supporting you. It’s also good to write it down. And remember there is no time line for grief. 🙏🙏

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